Strangely enough I caught myself the other day playing with Bella and saying, "Anna thinks you're so cute...Anna loves you...Anna this...and Anna that..."
I realized that because I'm "Anna" to my stepkids it just came naturally to refer to myself as "Anna" with my own daughter instead of mom or mommy or madre or mama or any other term of endearment one might use for themselves with their own child...
It made me stop and think about how I identify myself when it comes to children. For my adult life I've only ever been Auntie Anna or most recently with John's kids just plain old Anna.
I realized that I still don't think of myself as a "mother" first. I think that with time it will get easier to feel like a natural in that role, but because I've spent the last 5 years referring to the children in my life as "John's kids" or "my stepkids," its been a real change for me to say "my daughter" or "my child."
On my stepmom forum there was a question about how you refer to "your family..." Do you have one family? (husband, you, stepkids and biokids) or two families? (husband, you and biokids = 1 and husband, you, stepkids and biokids = 2) or maybe even three families depending on what situation you are in... (husband, you and biokids = 1 and husband, you, stepkids and biokids = 2 and Husband and his kids = 3)
I suppose that it really depends on what I'm talking about. If people ask me if Bella is my first child I say yes. But I also feel like I should mention that I have stepkids...I wonder why I feel that way...I feel like if I don't mention them I'm giving them less credit as "my" children as in "my husband's" children...
Before Bella when people asked me if I had children I always said no, but that my husband had children from a previous marriage and they visit occasionally.
And what about the kids? I wonder if Lexi, Eric and Maddie really consider Bella their sister or if they refer to her as their father's "other" child...
While its all very interesting for me to contemplate at the same time I have to wonder if it really makes a difference how you refer to each other. I don't like or love my stepkids any less just because Bella is here...I do, however, think my connection with Bella will be different because I get to raise her...I get to teach her...I get to watch her learn things like how to smile and grasp toys and roll over... Does that mean I actually LOVE her more? I just don't know....and I don't know if it really matters.
Sheesh....if its this confusing for me, I wonder what it must feel like for Mr. Chucklehead....
I feel like I should end this post with the comment, "Deep Thoughts by Anna Larson."
2 comments:
Anna,
here's my two cents especially being "the child from the husband's other marriage". You are A mother to those children. You didn't give birth to them, and you are not raising them full time, but you will be amazed to find how much they value you, your influence and your relationship with them. While you can't ever replace their birth mother, yours is an extremely special and important relationship. Bella is the first child you gave birth to, but not the first you have helped to raise. So, in my (humble) opinion, I think the best way to respond would be to say " John and I have 3 children who live with their mother and Bella is our first child together." This way the other children don't feel like they are simply "John's kids" and that they have a connection to you as well. It is all very complicated, especially for children! However,(while I may be taking some liberties here), I'm sure the other kids think of Bella as their sister....just sister! Thank heavens those kiddos all have you. I couldn't imagine a better stepmom or mother than you!! Love you!!!
Of course, you are right, Jen. Its nice to hear the "adult" view of the stepchild...its not always so clear... :)
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