Poisoned apple little girl?

I haven't said much about it lately, but little miss Madmad has been giving me a H.E. double hockeysticks of a time lately.  It started when we returned home from our trip back to the states....last August and it finally culminated last night. 

I grew a pointy nose, wart on my chin with a hair and all and handed my 8 year old stepdaughter a poison apple.

Four times in the past week I have caught her stealing candy and/or money from me....and four times in the past week she's tried to lie and blame someone else for her behavior.  Last night I caught her red handed...and well, the wicked stepmother came out in full force.

I called the MPs.  Yes, I said MPs...as in military police for anyone not so familiar with those Army acronyms.  I really did.  I called the police on my 8 year old.  And as she cried her little eyes out in front of me I talked to them about my options for an 8 year old klepto... 

I think the MPs actually laughed at me while on the phone.  Had I been able to do a Darth Vadar long distance death choke I would have invoked it at that moment.  Apparently they don't understand the meaning of "I'm at the end of my ability to provide appropriate consequences."  Which for any understanding person is very obviously me screaming, "I'm going to flog this child and hang her by her toenails if someone doesn't help me."  Duh.

Of course there isn't much they can do...but I didn't make it sound that way.  They told me I could bring her in and they'd talk to her and I responded with a sly, "Oh, you want me to bring her into the jail?"  They offered their apologies and I responded with a very stern look at her and a, "Yes, it is tragic that she's chosen the path of a thief."

And then...here comes the wicked stepmom...after they hung the phone up...I pretended to continue the conversation.

And in my wickedest voice I described what an 8 year olds worst nightmare was and called it jail...all in a fake conversation with the MPs. 

So, she'll have to write 2000 lines per day.
Cackle Cackle Cackle...

Really...only cold mush at every meal.
C'mere my pretty...

All chores and no freetime?  What a shame!
Take a bite of the pretty apple little girl...

And she bit.

And she begged me not to send her to jail.  And in my sweetest, most forgiving and loving voice I promised no jail if she'd behave.
*"Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air..."

Do you think I'm going to H.E. Double hockeysticks?

*From MacBeth

PS.  Yeah...thanks to you, my pretties, I am in the top 50 for military blogs and ranked 342 currently for all blogs.  Keep the clicks coming.  I appreciate it!

Putting yourself out there.

Part of me becoming more visible as a blogger has me a little nervous.  You know...that part where the random world knows some of my most secret thoughts and feelings?  The part where I share things about myself that I might normally only otherwise whisper into my pillow late at night.

The problem with me is that I can't whisper into my pillow and have that be enough...I need to write.  Its like a form of therapy for me...and cheap therapy at that.  I can say whatever i want....and say it loudly and say it clearly....Yes, I can!  But not without consequences.  And its those consequences that I have to figure out if I'm willing to take...

Really, I 'm talking about the woman I termed Cruella DeVille for most of my blog - Who, I must admit has not been a true Cruella for quite some time.  I just keep the name alive and kicking because somewhere in the deep recesses of me...is the fear that she's going to flip a 180 on me and turn into the crazy lady that I dealt with for more than FIVE years.

And in all fairness...as a stepmom, I expect some of that drama.  I expect the anger and the underhanded tricks and the backstabbing...I know divorce is not pretty... (that may just be the understatement of the year.)  And I also know that when a birth mom and a stepmom can't get along...there are bound to be fireworks.  And, well, some of those "fireworks" appear in past posts...

And what if she finds this blog?  Do I care if she reads it?  Yes...in some ways I do care.  Do I want her knowing me this well?  Not really.  Which is funny to me that I could care less if complete strangers know that I am madly in love with Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block and will be forever (4-eva), but I cringe at the thought that Cruella would know that about me.

And so you see my first Aha! moment.  My first consequence.  Its very likely that she could stumble onto this blog and read all the past posts...some of which are quite unflattering to her and even a couple that are unflattering to her children and then...could I blame her if Cruella returned?

I guess we'll see where it goes.  Right now its worth it to me to get a chance to just speak my mind.  And so, in the event that you arrive at this blog someday, Cruella, and take an inkling to read all the way from 2004 to now...I truly hope that you don't hold it against me and turn psycho again.

Warmest   Best   Regards,

Mrs. Chucklehead.

(p.s. I'm sorry I called you an egg donor.)

Click me please!

Top Mommy Blogger!

As I may have mentioned elsewhere I've been perusing the internet while wrapped in my comfy red blankie, slippers on my feet and hot chocolate in hand...

And what I discovered is a world of blogging far beyond what I imagined was out there.  I've been wrapped up in my own little blog cocoon and never bothered to check on what might be happening with the rest of the world of women who are throwing themselves out there for a little random reader therapy.

And so, I've requested admission to and have been accepted as a Top Mommy Blog.  Go me! 

So...what do you, my faithful readers, have to do?   Just click on the top mommy blog link thats on the right hand side each time you come to visit me and it moves me up in the "top mommy blog" ratings.

In fact, you can start me off by clicking on the link below right now! 

 

C'mon...you know you want to do it.  C'mon, click it...everbody is clicking it. 

Sicky McSickster

I have a headache.  I've had the headache since I woke up this morning.  Even typing on these keys puts pounding clickity clackity sounds in my head.

Thats how much I love my blog readers.  I'm willing to clickity clack in my head just so you can feel empathy for me as I suffer with this headache.

I am such a wimp...I know it.

But, when one rarely gets sick or gets headaches...and when one's primary source of empathy is sleeping on a twin bed in a plywood room in Afghanistan...then one needs a little extra empathy from the vast blogging world of random readers.

So...just keep it down out there will ya and if you could rub my temples and play with my hair a little...I'll be better in the morning. 

Pretty please with sugar on top?

The search for the smiles...

I know you all have better things to remember than my many posts of chaos and Christmas and making toffee out of Saltines, but do you remember that post I wrote about Ramblin' Rod?  That television personality from my childhood that had the big smile contest every morning? 

I had written that post to preempt my entry into the  Invisalign Teen Bright Smiles Holiday Photo Contest...in fact...after having typed that once...let me repeat it in the phrase I have to use as part of the contest...

“I am participating in the Invisalign Teen Bright Smiles Holiday Photo Contest with Dumb Mom.”

There...no more confusion now about what I'm doing.  BUT, back to Ramblin' Rod and those crazy smiles. 

So, for the past week or so I've been searching for that smile...camera in hand...stalking the girls...hoping for that perfect moment when the hot chocolate has still left a marshmallow mustache or the hysterical tears from the trip to Santa are being soothed with the peppermint candycane...

And then I realized something that I should have seen all along.

The smiles never left...

They were there when the leaves fell and the air turned cold...

They were there on that last unexpected day of an Indian Summer when we played in the courtyard of the Burgruine Flossenbuerg...

They were there when we found that perfect Christmas tree and when she sat on Santa's lap...

And when she hugs on her mama or swings in the snow...

They didn't disappear when Daddy went to Afghanistan...even though we miss him so much!

They didn't leave when I invoked child labor laws with the cookie cutters after a playdoh mess...

And so I think it could be said that those perfect smiles...well, they never were hidden or gone....

I just had to stop looking so hard and realize they were already there.

Countdown!

Countdown-Clocks

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Brag alert!  Do not read this post if you do not appreciate a mother going on and on about how smart her child is...including video footage. 

You have been warned. 

My daughter is so smart.  She picks up things so quickly.  She can count to 20 and say all of her ABCs and recognize the letters and numbers as well by sight.  Did I mention that she just turned two?  Oh...and how she's super smart?  *Big Grin*

So, in this first video that I shot today we were playing a Dora Alphabet game.  She finds the letter and then puts the Dora playing piece on it.  Yeah...this game is for 3+.  She's way above her age level.  (ha ha ha)

My favorite part...when I ask her to find the W she says, "Yes, Ma'am."  Did I mention how polite she is? 



This second video is hilarious.  So...not only is she smart and polite, but she's a comedian as well.  She's singing the ABC's in the car...just listen to her rendition of it.  I considered bragging about her creativity as well, but her singing voice just blasts it all to pieces.  I 'heart' this video.

I love Google

Google is like the greatest invention on earth other than ear swabs.

So, today just for kicks and giggles I decided to google some random stuff to see what I came up with.  I always selected the first link that showed...

And I thought I'd share at least one with you today...


Googled - The funniest joke in the world: 
http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/funniest-jokes.html
A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one funniest joke in the world, based on votes, is:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Are you laughing?

Oh the things you can do with....Saltines?

I am not much of a cook.  I've mentioned this before, but I feel like I need to say it often just so there is no mistaking my ability lest someone at some point expect me to actually create something delicious without copious amounts of effort, sweat, tears, maybe a little blood if sharp knives are involved and unfortunately (**note to self for New Year's Resolutions...) a little bit of cursing.

However, I was recently introduced to Pioneer Woman's blog and discovered that deep down inside of me is a serious desire to be...be...be...more?  I don't know what the exact word is that I'm looking for, but I was MOTIVATED...and especially motivated to cook.  And knowing myself as I do...and knowing my propensity toward cooking I decided I better jump on this motivation train and choo choo my way to something delicious.  (Was that the worst little analogy or what?  Choo choo!)

Long story short...this blog had a cookie week...  And just because its the holidays and I've really been hankering for enormous amounts a small nibble of chocolate goodness of some kind I decided to try the Almond Chocolate Toffee Crunchies.

I am not an intuitive cook.  This means that there must be a recipe and using words like "pinch" or "dash" cannot be part of the instructions.  Neither can words like, "season to taste" or "try any flavoring you think would be delicious."  You might as well put, "just throw the whole thing into the garbage now instead of wasting your time fretting over what you should put in this and getting it wrong in the end anyhow."  

Phew.

The good news is Almond Chocolate Toffee Crunchies did not have any "do it yourself" phrasing in it...I scanned it briefly and then headed to the kitchen to make them.

Now this just goes to show you how poorly prepared I am as a cook in any capacity.  While I looked for the DIY phrasing - I totally failed to read the ingredients to make sure I had them all.  But, I got lucky in that there were really only 5 ingredients and I had all but one of them. 

The first thing on the list was one sleeve of saltines. 

What?

Almond chocolate toffee crunchies are saltines?  I distinctly remember the thought "Maybe I should just slather some nutella on a saltine and call it good" roll through my brain, but no...It's Christmas and that added to my madness desire to insert some holiday cheer in the form of sugar into my home.  However, the idea that I was supposed to concoct some kind of holiday treat out of saltines was not what I was expecting...

Regardless, I set my child labor to work laying out the saltines on a greased cookie sheet...

I was so proud of her.  I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "Hey...she cooks like me."  In particular - the evenly lined up first row of saltines that gives way quicly to a curve that says, "I do things my own way..."  and finally ending with random crackers just put wherever...and, of course, do you see the nibbles on some of the crackers?  Good thing we share cooties at my house.

Then comes the part where I really truly did have to follow the recipe closely.  Sugar + butter.  Mmmmmm 

Melt then pour...

Baking...baking...baking...baking...baking....DING!

I'm only putting this part in because I want to just mention that I was prepped for this part.  I premeasured the chocolate chips and had them ready to go...  NO...it had nothing to do with fact that I like chocolate.  But my child labor WAS paid in chocolate chips...I HAD to open the bag early.

Spread and let them melt...

Spread the melt...

Add ground hazelnut instead of almonds (This would be the part where actually making sure you had the ingredients would have been good.)

Cool...cut and eat...

I am a Almond Hazelnut Chocolate Toffee Crunchies GODDESS.

Two little girls

It happened a little something like this...

I was outside practicing child labor when we discovered that our neighbors have returned!

I know...I know...its kind of sad when the most exciting thing that happens is when your neighbor returns from their trip... 

BUT...Bella was so excited to see her playmate again.  We decided to put away the shovel (don't worry - I made her finish it later...) and head out to the backyard to let them play in the snow...where they decided to make snow angels. 

And at the risk of sounding uber-sappy and totally lame I do have to say they really were angelic out there giggling as they flapped their arms and legs around...

The other highlight of playtime was the fact that there is just enough room between the back door and the screen door for two little girls to stand and giggle at...  errr.....  I have no idea what they were giggling about, but apparently whatever was going on in the below picture it was incredibly funny to them.

Oh to be TWO!

Breakthrough with the big man...

That big fat man with the long white beard... you know...the peeper who watches you while your sleeping?  Knows when you're awake?

That guy who Ho Ho Ho's each year as he flys with his magical reindeer? 

Yeah...we had a MAJOR breakthrough with that guy last night.

Of course there is never a camera around when you need one, but little miss munchkin actually accepted a candy cane and agreed to sit ON THE ARM OF HIS CHAIR without throwing a complete temper tantrum. 

And, the polite little girl that she is, gave him a sideways don't look at me touch you as little as possible HUG when we were done.

And now Frosty the Snowman has been replaced by Santa as the all time favorite person to sit and watch for out the window of our little Army house. 

HO HO HO...Merry Christmas!

Oh Tannenbaum

Tonight was the annual Vilseck Christmas Tree lighting ceremony.  I had intended to walk with the girls to the parking lot at the commissary so we could see the program and watch the lights go on, but unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control we ended up racing around like crazy people at the last minute as I shuffled them into the car and we slid sped toward the parking lot praying there would be a place to park the car. 

We should have taken our time.

Last year's tree lighting was P.A.C.K.E.D.  This year - meh...not so much.  Last year the ceremonial part took F.O.R.E.V.E.R.  This year - meh...about 10 minutes.  Last year was a 30 minute wait for St. Niklaus in a horrific L.I.N.E.  This year - meh...in and out after about 5 minutes.

And we had a great time.

We got pretzels to munch on and drank some nice hot wassail...

...sang and danced to some Christmas carols...

...listened to some Army guys and the Mayor of Vilseck speak and then watched the tree light up. 

And last, but not least...a trip to St. Niklaus.  We didn't even attempt to put Bella on his lap.  She grabbed the goodie bag and R.A.N.

Picky eating...

Just a quick public service announcement that I am sooooo thankful I do not have picky eaters.

I have been watching a little girl whose mom is moving homes right now...Dad is deployed and today was the big moving day so little "N" came to play at our house...

And the child does not eat.  She eats pizza and she eats yogurt.  And thats it.  Seriously. 

So I make this delicious juicy lemon chicken tonight and some rice to go along with it and she takes a look at it and says, "oh, I won't like that.  I can't eat it."  Sure enough.  She managed two teeny tiny bites of chicken and the complaining did not stopppppppppppppp....So I told her she needed to be done complaining and if she didn't like the food she didn't have to eat it.

And do you know what that little punk said?  "Well, I'll just have to complain at home because my mom would never make me eat this." 

Alrighty then....you just go ahead and complain at home. 

Her mom dropped by a microwave pizza (blech) that I nuked for her and she ate every drop.  **shaking head**

But, she wants to come back tomorrow.  Apparently even with my horrific lemon chicken and rice our house is a pretty cool place to hang.  :)

Here we gooooooo....

So, this week has started our (hopefully) short experience called Potty Training.

Woooohooooo!

We've been talking it up for awhile.  She's been sitting on the potty on and off, but this week we started to really push the potty vs the diaper.

And the results so far?  (Sing it with me...)

During the first week of potty training my little one gave to me...

12 million times of reading the potty book

11 pairs of little girl undies washed

10 thousand false alarms -- Mommy!  Potty!....wait....wait.....wait....wait....

 9 stuffed animals who showed her how to sit on the potty - Please applaud for kitty, puppy, owl, bear, bunny, dolly 1, dolly 2 and dolly 3 and last, but not least...Ms. Barbie...

8 (or more - ha ha ha) diaper accidents

7 days of potty training

6 minutes of washing hands - they LOVE soap and water

5 minutes in which I didn't pay attention and later discovered to be a stealth move on her part to abscond with the potty treat jar, which not only did she accomplish, but she managed to get it open, eat half the potty treats (M&Ms and Skittles) and spread the rest all over her entire playroom floor...

4 accidents in the bathtub...those toys and the tub have NEVER been cleaner

3 stickers on her potty chart

2 cheerleaders named mama and maddie

and 1 little potty training girl!

What ARE these and do I really want to be doing this?



Saint Nikolaus

For many, December 6th is a date that just comes and goes...but in Germany, December 6th is the beginning of the festivities for children. 

The tradition goes a little like this...  Children put a shoe or a boot (Nikolaus-Stiefel) outside their door and in the morning, St. Nicholas fills the boot with gifts or sweets if the child has been good and polite and helpful.  If they were rotten little kids then they get a tree branch or a switch instead.

This year, St. Nikolaus did come visiting to our house.

First, he wrote notes in his best St. Nikolaus penmanship on the back of two notecards.  One little girl got Santa's birdies...

And the other got a lion and a lambie... 

The notes he wrote on the back were very sweet, but got right to the point.  And, of course he ended them with - Ich Liebe Dich...I love you!

Did I mention that St. Nikolaus only writes in German?

Then he filled their shoes with what they deserved.  The first little girl will be sad to see she received a switch this year...but St. Nikolaus makes sure to let her know that if she works hard that he will bring her something wonderful on Christmas day...

And the second little girl who had such teeny tiny shoes...and whose only shoes we happened to have upstairs were her water shoes...got a little haribo gummy treat...

Now, the story goes that the children that got the switch were supposed to be beaten with it by their parents.  I think we'll probably skip that part of the tradition....this year...

What would St. Nikolaus bring you this year?  Gummies or a switch? 

Santa Claus is considering coal in a stocking this year...

Little Miss Madmad...has been particularly....uhmm.....trying this year...  In particular there are just some days I want to throw my hands in the air and give up.  Yell out that I'm DONE!  Stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum of my own making...

And the issues all escalated since August - when we returned from our summer break.  And just last night I discovered a sneaky rotton hidden deed by the 8 year old that sent me over the top and tumbling down at breakneck speed.

It actually kind of reminded me of when my sister Sarah and I found about 30 buckets of cool whip in the downstairs refrigerator and each wanted to eat one...only once you've actually dipped your fingers into a bucket of cool whip a few times thats really all the cool whip you can eat...only, we KNEW how much trouble we'd be in if we didn't finish those buckets and toss them before mom found out so we sat down in the basement in our pajamas and each finished an entire bucket of cool whip on our own. 

I think we were sick for days.

BUT...the fact remains that had my mom caught us she probably would have felt much like I did last night...

And so after some prime time drama occuring in our home complete with tears and early bedtimes and the whole shebang...

We had a big talk this morning after breakfast about what had gone wrong in our happy little family.  At first it started like this... (paraphrased to keep this shorter than a novel)

Madmad:  YOU sent me to bed early and took my stuffies and I didn't even get to eat my chocolate from my advent calendar!
Me:  That is the most selfish thing I've ever heard...did you stop to think about how your actions affected me, or Bella or your dad?

Stare off...

And we talk for an hour or so...and after sending her up to her room about 20 minutes later I got a letter thrown down the stairwell...drifting down like a letter from heaven.  (hardly)  This letter was all  about how when St. Niklaus comes tomorrow (December 6th - a German tradition) she deserves for him to leave her the willow switch and not the candies and nuts.

I'm inclined to agree...

And then when I got up to my bed I found this gem...

Yep - she even has the "response with arrow" for me to write back to her.

So, while St. Niklaus WILL probably leave her a willow switch tomorrow night.  I'm also considering a strongly worded suggestion to Santa Claus for a lump of coal in a certain stocking this year.

Its better than some alternatives. 

Getting closer to the perfect smiles...

Today we took a trip to Weiden...which just happens to be the biggest city that is closest to Vilseck.  Weiden has a really neat little town square...I actually blogged about it last year (woohoo...I'm getting more savvy with my blog...just click that link and you'll go see the blog about Weiden!)

Anywho...we went there to see the Christmas market and I was quite disappointed.  For such a large town they had a rinky dink little market.  About 8 stalls - 6 of them food and two with ornaments/nativity pieces... This one in particular was where they sold the gingerbread and cookies and candies....

But, in the true spirit of sparkly lights, faux garland, red bows and slushy snow...the girls ooohed and aaahed at everything they saw...loved every minute of our jaunt around town and we had a good time regardless of its size.

**oh dear...I fear I may be morphing into one of those non-appreciative types...let me be clear that I LOVE living in small-town Germany and wouldn't give it up for the largest Christmas Market in Ft. Sill, Oklahoma, Ft. Polk, Louisiana or Ft. Lewis, Washington.  (hee hee hee...)  **

I  made it a point to snap some photos to see if I could find that perfect holiday photo for the smile contest...here are the contestants...


Contestant Ein (1)...  Cute, but the smile is a bit forced.  I do love, however, the snowy tree and the words Anno 2010 (Year 2010) in the background...

Zwei (2)- adorable except the small thingy sticking out of her nose.  You can barely see it, but its there.  :)

Drei (3) - Uh...that santa just freaks me out.  I'm not sure what either kid is actually doing in this photo...I'm not sure I'd call it smiling as much as I'd call it grimacing.

Vier (4) - This may have been the winner if those bags under my eyes weren't so big.  I do love this photo though and will definitely be keeping it in mind...

Thursday, December 2, 2006

Six months. 

John's been gone six months as of Thursday, December 2, 2006.  The eternity called deployment is now supposedly half way done.  I miss him so much. 

A friend of mine forwarded this to me and I thought it an appropriate song to celebrate the upcoming holiday season and John's 6 month mark...

Code RED

...and that means SNOW DAY!

We went to bed last night with the snow falling...and falling...and falling.  I figured they would end up canceling school today but look what we woke up to this morning...

A veritable winter wonderland measuring about 10 inches deep!  Check out this lawn chair that I failed to put away before winter hit...

And so after stalling as long as I could, the girls finally pestered sweetly convinced me that it was in our best interest to head outdoors to see what we could find.  I figured it was a good plan.  I needed to shovel the snow from the driveway anyhow...just in case I suddenly decided to drive in 10 inches of snow.

ha ha ha...

Actually, I've been very good about keeping the walkways and driveway clear of snow because it will turn into ice and then I can see it now...I'm walking outside to go to the car with my precious little 2 year old lambie and BLAM - we're flat on our backsides because SOMEONE didn't clear the walkway before the snow melted and now its iced over...

And wouldn't you know it...John's not here to blame these days.  *BIG GRIN*

So....anyhow....back to the snow day...out the door we went...AFTER we got on our great snow gear... I searched everywhere for a decently priced snowsuit for Bella with no luck....until a German friend clued me in on this great store that I'd never been to...we raced out there a few weeks ago when the weather started getting cold and I got this cute little snowsuit for just 15 euro....thats not even an "arm" in US dollars! 

The girls played in the snow while I dutifully shoveled the walkway and the driveway...

First, they tried to eat snowflakes that were falling.  I did, by the way, mention the "don't eat yellow snow" rule, but I don't know that Bella understood.  She was more interested in trying to get her gloves off her hand than me droning on about yellow snow...

Then we made snow angels...or I should say the girls made snow angels.  Me...I was outfitted in my cotton yoga pants.  No way I was laying my buns down in this frigid winter paradise.  I gotta get me some of those snow pants...

Bella just kind of fell down...It was a great first try for a snow angel, though.

And then we went for a walk...around the block to the park which was covered in 10 inches of pristine snow...

Do you know how hard it is for a toddler to walk in 10 inches of snow?  We found out today.  "Uh oh...Uh oh....I stuck, mama!  I stuck!"

So we hightailed it to the swings....

Before heading home for some delicious....

Macaroni and cheese.

You thought I was going to say Hot Chocolate...didn't you...?  Sorry, it was lunchtime and pre-naptime which meant no chocolatey anything...

Except for mama who *might* have nibbled on a handmade chocolate covered cherry...