Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Operation Find Mr. Whipple
Operation Find Mr. Whipple
Objective: Squeeze the Sharmin
I found the photo above and it brought back a story that I don't tell many people because really, its quite unbelievable. This is a dating story about how meeting a guy can end with 5 friends dressed in military uniforms with real guns (no ammo) running around Washington DC.
I admit that the dating story is mine...and while I'd like to be able to say that I had a normal dating life. I have to admit that mine has been anything but normal...in the usual dictionary meaning of that word.
It all started when I met Colin Sharmin. On first glances he seemed quite (again comes that word) normal. We had much in common...went to the same church, had many of the same friends, liked much of the same stuff, ran in similar circles...
**Enter psycho parading as normal man.** .
**Cue innocent gullible me.**
"Oh Colin! What has happened to your eye?" A giant white bandage covered his right eye. Yes, it had been too hard for him to tell me this when we first met...Colin had a brain tumor. He'd just been operated on.
Ok...so writing this out I think to myself, "Anybody should know that you don't recover from brain tumor surgery over the weekend...DUH"
But, little innocent gullible me doesn't think that at all...no! In fact, over the next two months I got bits and pieces of the incredible life that belongs to Colin Sharmin.
**note...in my defense...he is the master manipulator and eeked out the following in bits and pieces not all in one big lump so if it seems that I was OVERLY gullible please give me a few extra points! I mean, c'mon folks...HE CRIED REAL TEARS!**
1. Colin was once married to a woman named Colleen and she was killed by a taxi driver that was high on some drug or another. He had prepared a lavish dinner complete with rose petals and stood at the window watching as she was hit. He rushed to her side and she died in his arms.
Colin and I took flowers to Colleen's grave on the anniversary of her death. I stood back respectfully as he took a few minutes at his deceased wife's grave.
2. Colin speaks 5 languages.
3. Colin went to MIT and UVA.
4. Colin is the heir to the Charmin throne (yes, we're talking about the "Squeeze the Charmin" toilet paper throne.) When I asked about the difference in the spelling of the name - charmin vs sharmin - I was told that his great grandfather had changed it on the product because it looked better when written that way.
5. Colin had a sister that he tried to set up with my cousin. (he actually didn't have a sister at all and pretended to be her while communicating electronically with my cousin - FREAKY.)
6. Did I mention he had a brain tumor? Oh, and he even asked my sister to change the dressings for him one day - which she did. And thinking about that now makes me laugh, but really, we were so sad for him.
I could go on and on about even the most mundane daily items, work, home, cars, clothes, what he ate for breakfast....the more I got to know him the more lies or half truths I would catch him in about the stupidest stuff.
He knew I was catching on. So, he introduced new drama. An ex-girlfriend that was still in love with him. Suddenly, someone I didn't know...knew all about me and blamed me for ruining her life. Had I known then what I knew now I would have tossed him at her with a hearty, "he's all yours!"
Finally, the stories were just too fantastic...My roommates and I decided to learn the truth. We searched school alumni records, placed a few phone calls and then the fatal blow...
"Virginia Vital Records" said the sweetest old lady voice I had ever heard.
"Hello, ma'am," I said, "I'm trying to find a death certificate for Colleen Sharmin."
She asked me if I was family. I explained that I wasn't, but went on to tell her exactly why I was looking for it.
"What the name and the date of death, dear?" she asked. I gave her the information and she said,
"I can't tell you if there was anyone by that name that had died under those circumstances you explained to me dear. Thats against the law. However, I'd like to give you a little dating advice. You just go ahead and run away now dear. Don't look back and get a restraining order if you have to. You understand me, don't you dear?"
I PUT FLOWERS ON A NON-EXISTANT DEAD WIFE'S GRAVE?
Come to find out...the ex girlfriend knew all about this compulsive liars issues and thought it was "charming." Actually, once I asked around a little...just about everyone who really knew him told me about his little problem with lies...I think someone even said they would have clued me in sooner, but they thought I knew all about it. GAAAAAAH.
And so Operation Find Mr. Whipple began. Somewhere is a videotape of the whole thing. We had a great time releasing the stress of all that craziness that had invaded our lives. And in the end...Mr. Sharmin got squeezed alright.