Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Depressed.

I do not suffer from "depression" in the manic classic sense of the word.  Never have...and had a REALLY hard time understanding it when I realized how many people in my life suffer from it chronically. 

BUT, these past couple of weeks I have been DRAGGING.  As in...don't want to get out of bed, exhausted - but not sleeping well, cranky, unmotivated (eeeek!  you should see my house) and just basically in a FUNK.

And then a few days ago as I was IM chatting with John I said to him, "I think I'm depressed."  Jokingly.  And then I realized.  Holy cow.  I AM depressed. 

I miss my husband

I had a leaky sink

I couldn't get the new showerhead on by myself.

My baby is two

I have too much STUFF in my house and nowhere to put it.

Holidays are here and they are just a tad lonely

I worry about my mom (who is getting hip replacement surgery TODAY.)

I worry about my madmad...and her little moods

I don't want to sweep any more leaves off the front stoop.

I look outside and all I see is rain...or this morning it was snow.

Cooking has essentially been opening a can for the last couple of weeks.

I burst into tears when I leave Bella in daycare because I know she's just going to cry for the next hour until I pick her back up.  (separation anxiety is just as bad for me...)

Plus, I still need to get her vaccination shots and it makes me tear up every time I think about her getting those needles in the leg.

AND...last but not least, I hate putting folded laundry away and you should see the pile of it that I am dreading...

I have become SUCH a softie.  I used to be able to write out a to do list and tadum!  It all got done.  Not now...now I am wallowing.  But wallowing makes me feel unproductive which for me is a bad way to feel.

(sigh)

Ok... so that was good for me to wallow just a little more...and now I'm done feeling sorry for myself and tomorrow...after I try for a full 7 hours of sleep...tomorrow I will write out my to do list and get it done.

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3 comments:

TheMuffinMom said...

*sigh* I'm right there with ya, sister. I'm homesick, hating where I live, and wishing I could be home with all my friends and family for the holidays. Wish you could come to VA and wallow with me! I guess that's why I'm trolling the blogosphere instead of folding my own mountain of laundry!

As the old song says "You'll never walk--I mean wallow--alone" :)

kajr said...

Wishing you a wonderful full night of sleep.
I find it does help to admit..just like you listed everything. It is hard. It is depressing. I hate not being able to tackle everything myself. Sending you a hug

Christy said...

Oh, Sweetie. You are such SUCH a Champion. You really are. The world would have us take on a bad label on ourselves when we get worn out, when we need a little more (for once!) than we have to give. We take on shame about it, but for what/why? You *ARE* SUCH a champion. You deserve no acceptance of shame nor regret nor sorrow in not measuring up somehow. Instead you deserve REST, no small adulation, so much strength from outside and around your dear self to help you keep going, and so much more! You feel the way you do and more women than not, certainly many women less than you, would not deal half of one EIGHTH as well as you do. I hear your worries and your frustrations and your tiredness. I hear you - I'm listening. :] You are not alone, certainly not quite so much as I know you sometimes feel (and though I know how much alone that loneliness feels). I'm here across the globe, holding your hand tightly. Just as so often you have offered me your hand. :)