Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the night before Christmas...

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, because they were all at the Peterson's house for
dinner and the Nativity Pageant.




The stockings were hung on the wall with some nails...


In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there...

The children were nestled in froggy PJ's for bed...


While visions of yesterday's trip to Nurnberg danced in their heads...




 

And Bella in mom's snow hat

 and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.



Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer (and a moose.)

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Let's eat our cookies and milk and then dash away all!"


As leftover ham to the sandwiches do fly


When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and cinnamon rolls too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And when dad and I played boggle we gave lots of slack (for crazy words like hooey and hoer.)


His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
He waved his arms around when he told the story
of Santa's trip to our house...in all its glory

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sock me in the stomach....

If you recognize the following little song from a certain movie with Tom Hanks in it...you get a prize...

Down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster.
Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go.
Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock.
Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock.
I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit.
Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top.
Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week.
I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit.
I'm cool. I'm hot.
Sock me in the stomach three more times.

...and the prize IS...you get to be part of my new club! 

Have you ever been in a club before?  I remember exactly two clubs that I was in.  The first was the bird club.  I think my sister Sarah and I were the members until we coerced invited our neighbor, Patti Bridwell, to also be part of it.  I can't exactly remember what we did in that club...it must have had something to do with birds.  duh.

The second was the pickle club.  Sarah and I, again, were the only members.  In this club we invited ourselves over to our other neighbor's house...her name was Robyn...and her mom would give us pickles.  We LOVED pickles.

I think our neighbors must have really thought that my family of 7 kids who ran wild and pilfered pickles off of them...and made their own bows and arrows and traumatized Patti Bridwell's little sister Katie with them...did I mention the hotdog slingshots we made to try and hit our OTHER poor neighbor who was a flautist...she'd play on her back deck and we'd fling hotdogs at her. 

Oh my...

Yeah...I'm not so sure they were glad we moved in way back when in 1983...

Random memories over...Getting back on track now...We took the train back from Nurnberg today...ok...backup for a minute - we went to the Christmas Market in Nurnberg today and while taking the train back I was attempting to entertain Bella because it was after 8PM and she was tired and it had been a long day of all kinds of festivities...all of which I'll blog about later, alligator...

Anywho...I sing this song to her and in true "mom with toddler" style made up a little dance to go along with it.  (PS...I WAS voted "most likely to dance at random occasions" at our last family reunion so you can stop laughing now...)

Of course Bella LOVED it and then I realized that I wasn't the only one singing it...thats right...on a random regional express train from Nurnberg to Vilseck I met a guy who not only knew the song, but loved the movie BIG as much as I did when he was a kid.

And so we sang it together and formed a club right then and there...

Oh, and the annual fee to join is $5.  (its so we can have triscuits at our annual meetings...) You can send it via paypal.  :)


P.S.  There is NOTHING fun about a building.

...but its really fun when you click me!
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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The smoothie was invented....

...when Chuck Norris needed information from a banana...


This is "old photo day"...  I came across this one from 2007 when I bought John a Chuck Norris t-shirt because when people ask why there isn't a Chuck Norris day...I just have to say, "You're wrong...every day is Chuck Norris day."  So, today we celebrate past Christmas presents and CHUCK!

And now just a few select favorite Chuck Norris jokes...

When Chuck Norris plays chess he doesn't say "checkmate."  He says, "Chuck Norris."

They found Chuck Norris' diary and published it.  Its called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris knows a word that rhymes with orange.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

When taking the SAT test write Chuck Norris for every answer and you will score an 8000.

Superman wears Chuck Norris underoos.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars.  Thats why there are no signs of life.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris.....the end.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The tale of...

I have a little story to tell...

Ring ring...went the phone and when I answered it I heard the sweetest voice in the world...errrr....scratch that....redo...

Ring ring...went the phone and when I answered it I heard the manliest macho machismo voice of the studliest soldier in Afghanistan on the other end of the line.

And my heart went pitter patter...

But thats not the story I actually wanted to tell you...  You see, when John is actually able to contact us it is the highlight and brightest spot of my day.  His voice...  Well, lets just say that when you haven't heard the voice of the person you love most in the world for a very long time...  That voice melts you into little puddles of errr...well, in my case, tilapia, rice and carrots...since thats what I ate for dinner...

So, if I'm blogging, I HAVE to put in the bright spot of my day - even if it has nothing to do with the actual blog I'm going to write...

Anywho...the real story I wanted to tell you is about 4 snowmen people..

The Grandpa snowman...the mommy snowman...the little girl snowman...and the baby girl snowman...

They all lived quite happily in the backyard in 12 inches of fresh snow.  The snowpeople were very happy with their family who had worked so hard to build them just right...hauling giant snowballs to just the perfect spot to build the little snowfamily...


They patted and molded them just right...

They hung out together all the time...just lounging around in the snow...


And they gave hugs and kisses as only snowpeople can do...


Then one day the little girl and the baby girl turned on the grandpa...

"Oh no!  Run grandpa!  Run!"


And poor grandpa was pummelled with snowballs...

First by the baby girl...


Then the little girl got into the fight with a giant snowball...but it was too heavy to throw....



So the mama snowman stepped in and got grandpa really good...



But, she remained safe behind her snowperson...person...? who saved her from a snowball beating...


And poor grandpa had to just drip dry...


And the snowpeople lived happily ever after through the end of February, but it better not be much longer than that or the mama will not be happy with winter.

The end.

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Monday, December 20, 2010

Candy Mountain

I don't get to see my dad very often.  He's a pretty private guy...Yeah...that and the fact that he lives in Kuwait kind of puts a bit of a kink in our "gettin' together regularly" plans.  So, when he tells me he is going to fly into Germany to spend the holidays with us, well, lets just say that I was suddenly on the magical bridge of hope and wonder with Charlie the Unicorn.


The hope and wonder rainbow lasted for exactly the same amount of time we got in the car and started to drive home from the airport in the swirling snow and our GPS suddenly couldn't find satellite reception.  So, I winged it and would you believe I actually got us home all on my own and we didn't even take any detours like through Berlin or Munich or Czechoslovakia....all of which are very possible routes for one who has no sense of direction in this lovely snowy Deutschland.

Luckily, Grandpa Johnnie has an eternally positive outlook and instead of stressing out like I was he asked me first, if we had anywhere we absolutely had to be today... and second, didn't I find the snow absolutely beautiful?

And I must admit that after releasing my death grip onthe steering wheel and just letting the car glide over the icy roads it was beautiful to watch the snow come down...

And when all was said and done - we arrived home safely...and the girls got in their Grandpa Johnnie snuggles...




And I took a mini-break to watch Charlie the Unicorn again. 

 


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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Poisoned apple little girl?

I haven't said much about it lately, but little miss Madmad has been giving me a H.E. double hockeysticks of a time lately.  It started when we returned home from our trip back to the states....last August and it finally culminated last night. 

I grew a pointy nose, wart on my chin with a hair and all and handed my 8 year old stepdaughter a poison apple.

Four times in the past week I have caught her stealing candy and/or money from me....and four times in the past week she's tried to lie and blame someone else for her behavior.  Last night I caught her red handed...and well, the wicked stepmother came out in full force.

I called the MPs.  Yes, I said MPs...as in military police for anyone not so familiar with those Army acronyms.  I really did.  I called the police on my 8 year old.  And as she cried her little eyes out in front of me I talked to them about my options for an 8 year old klepto... 

I think the MPs actually laughed at me while on the phone.  Had I been able to do a Darth Vadar long distance death choke I would have invoked it at that moment.  Apparently they don't understand the meaning of "I'm at the end of my ability to provide appropriate consequences."  Which for any understanding person is very obviously me screaming, "I'm going to flog this child and hang her by her toenails if someone doesn't help me."  Duh.

Of course there isn't much they can do...but I didn't make it sound that way.  They told me I could bring her in and they'd talk to her and I responded with a sly, "Oh, you want me to bring her into the jail?"  They offered their apologies and I responded with a very stern look at her and a, "Yes, it is tragic that she's chosen the path of a thief."

And then...here comes the wicked stepmom...after they hung the phone up...I pretended to continue the conversation.

And in my wickedest voice I described what an 8 year olds worst nightmare was and called it jail...all in a fake conversation with the MPs. 

So, she'll have to write 2000 lines per day.
Cackle Cackle Cackle...

Really...only cold mush at every meal.
C'mere my pretty...

All chores and no freetime?  What a shame!
Take a bite of the pretty apple little girl...

And she bit.

And she begged me not to send her to jail.  And in my sweetest, most forgiving and loving voice I promised no jail if she'd behave.
*"Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air..."

Do you think I'm going to H.E. Double hockeysticks?

*From MacBeth

PS.  Yeah...thanks to you, my pretties, I am in the top 50 for military blogs and ranked 342 currently for all blogs.  Keep the clicks coming.  I appreciate it!

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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Putting yourself out there.

Part of me becoming more visible as a blogger has me a little nervous.  You know...that part where the random world knows some of my most secret thoughts and feelings?  The part where I share things about myself that I might normally only otherwise whisper into my pillow late at night.

The problem with me is that I can't whisper into my pillow and have that be enough...I need to write.  Its like a form of therapy for me...and cheap therapy at that.  I can say whatever i want....and say it loudly and say it clearly....Yes, I can!  But not without consequences.  And its those consequences that I have to figure out if I'm willing to take...

Really, I 'm talking about the woman I termed Cruella DeVille for most of my blog - Who, I must admit has not been a true Cruella for quite some time.  I just keep the name alive and kicking because somewhere in the deep recesses of me...is the fear that she's going to flip a 180 on me and turn into the crazy lady that I dealt with for more than FIVE years.

And in all fairness...as a stepmom, I expect some of that drama.  I expect the anger and the underhanded tricks and the backstabbing...I know divorce is not pretty... (that may just be the understatement of the year.)  And I also know that when a birth mom and a stepmom can't get along...there are bound to be fireworks.  And, well, some of those "fireworks" appear in past posts...

And what if she finds this blog?  Do I care if she reads it?  Yes...in some ways I do care.  Do I want her knowing me this well?  Not really.  Which is funny to me that I could care less if complete strangers know that I am madly in love with Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block and will be forever (4-eva), but I cringe at the thought that Cruella would know that about me.

And so you see my first Aha! moment.  My first consequence.  Its very likely that she could stumble onto this blog and read all the past posts...some of which are quite unflattering to her and even a couple that are unflattering to her children and then...could I blame her if Cruella returned?

I guess we'll see where it goes.  Right now its worth it to me to get a chance to just speak my mind.  And so, in the event that you arrive at this blog someday, Cruella, and take an inkling to read all the way from 2004 to now...I truly hope that you don't hold it against me and turn psycho again.

Warmest   Best   Regards,

Mrs. Chucklehead.

(p.s. I'm sorry I called you an egg donor.)

Click me please!
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Friday, December 17, 2010

Top Mommy Blogger!

As I may have mentioned elsewhere I've been perusing the internet while wrapped in my comfy red blankie, slippers on my feet and hot chocolate in hand...

And what I discovered is a world of blogging far beyond what I imagined was out there.  I've been wrapped up in my own little blog cocoon and never bothered to check on what might be happening with the rest of the world of women who are throwing themselves out there for a little random reader therapy.

And so, I've requested admission to and have been accepted as a Top Mommy Blog.  Go me! 

So...what do you, my faithful readers, have to do?   Just click on the top mommy blog link thats on the right hand side each time you come to visit me and it moves me up in the "top mommy blog" ratings.

In fact, you can start me off by clicking on the link below right now! 

 Top Mommy Blogs - Click To Vote!

C'mon...you know you want to do it.  C'mon, click it...everbody is clicking it. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Sicky McSickster

I have a headache.  I've had the headache since I woke up this morning.  Even typing on these keys puts pounding clickity clackity sounds in my head.

Thats how much I love my blog readers.  I'm willing to clickity clack in my head just so you can feel empathy for me as I suffer with this headache.

I am such a wimp...I know it.

But, when one rarely gets sick or gets headaches...and when one's primary source of empathy is sleeping on a twin bed in a plywood room in Afghanistan...then one needs a little extra empathy from the vast blogging world of random readers.

So...just keep it down out there will ya and if you could rub my temples and play with my hair a little...I'll be better in the morning. 

Pretty please with sugar on top?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The search for the smiles...

I know you all have better things to remember than my many posts of chaos and Christmas and making toffee out of Saltines, but do you remember that post I wrote about Ramblin' Rod?  That television personality from my childhood that had the big smile contest every morning? 

I had written that post to preempt my entry into the  Invisalign Teen Bright Smiles Holiday Photo Contest...in fact...after having typed that once...let me repeat it in the phrase I have to use as part of the contest...

“I am participating in the Invisalign Teen Bright Smiles Holiday Photo Contest with Dumb Mom.”

There...no more confusion now about what I'm doing.  BUT, back to Ramblin' Rod and those crazy smiles. 

So, for the past week or so I've been searching for that smile...camera in hand...stalking the girls...hoping for that perfect moment when the hot chocolate has still left a marshmallow mustache or the hysterical tears from the trip to Santa are being soothed with the peppermint candycane...

And then I realized something that I should have seen all along.

The smiles never left...

They were there when the leaves fell and the air turned cold...


They were there on that last unexpected day of an Indian Summer when we played in the courtyard of the Burgruine Flossenbuerg...


They were there when we found that perfect Christmas tree and when she sat on Santa's lap...


And when she hugs on her mama or swings in the snow...



They didn't disappear when Daddy went to Afghanistan...even though we miss him so much!



They didn't leave when I invoked child labor laws with the cookie cutters after a playdoh mess...

And so I think it could be said that those perfect smiles...well, they never were hidden or gone....

I just had to stop looking so hard and realize they were already there.


Monday, December 13, 2010

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Brag alert!  Do not read this post if you do not appreciate a mother going on and on about how smart her child is...including video footage. 

You have been warned. 

My daughter is so smart.  She picks up things so quickly.  She can count to 20 and say all of her ABCs and recognize the letters and numbers as well by sight.  Did I mention that she just turned two?  Oh...and how she's super smart?  *Big Grin*

So, in this first video that I shot today we were playing a Dora Alphabet game.  She finds the letter and then puts the Dora playing piece on it.  Yeah...this game is for 3+.  She's way above her age level.  (ha ha ha)

My favorite part...when I ask her to find the W she says, "Yes, Ma'am."  Did I mention how polite she is? 



This second video is hilarious.  So...not only is she smart and polite, but she's a comedian as well.  She's singing the ABC's in the car...just listen to her rendition of it.  I considered bragging about her creativity as well, but her singing voice just blasts it all to pieces.  I 'heart' this video.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I love Google

Google is like the greatest invention on earth other than ear swabs.

So, today just for kicks and giggles I decided to google some random stuff to see what I came up with.  I always selected the first link that showed...

And I thought I'd share at least one with you today...


Googled - The funniest joke in the world: 
http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/funniest-jokes.html
A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one funniest joke in the world, based on votes, is:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Are you laughing?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Oh the things you can do with....Saltines?

I am not much of a cook.  I've mentioned this before, but I feel like I need to say it often just so there is no mistaking my ability lest someone at some point expect me to actually create something delicious without copious amounts of effort, sweat, tears, maybe a little blood if sharp knives are involved and unfortunately (**note to self for New Year's Resolutions...) a little bit of cursing.

However, I was recently introduced to Pioneer Woman's blog and discovered that deep down inside of me is a serious desire to be...be...be...more?  I don't know what the exact word is that I'm looking for, but I was MOTIVATED...and especially motivated to cook.  And knowing myself as I do...and knowing my propensity toward cooking I decided I better jump on this motivation train and choo choo my way to something delicious.  (Was that the worst little analogy or what?  Choo choo!)

Long story short...this blog had a cookie week...  And just because its the holidays and I've really been hankering for enormous amounts a small nibble of chocolate goodness of some kind I decided to try the Almond Chocolate Toffee Crunchies.

I am not an intuitive cook.  This means that there must be a recipe and using words like "pinch" or "dash" cannot be part of the instructions.  Neither can words like, "season to taste" or "try any flavoring you think would be delicious."  You might as well put, "just throw the whole thing into the garbage now instead of wasting your time fretting over what you should put in this and getting it wrong in the end anyhow."  

Phew.

The good news is Almond Chocolate Toffee Crunchies did not have any "do it yourself" phrasing in it...I scanned it briefly and then headed to the kitchen to make them.

Now this just goes to show you how poorly prepared I am as a cook in any capacity.  While I looked for the DIY phrasing - I totally failed to read the ingredients to make sure I had them all.  But, I got lucky in that there were really only 5 ingredients and I had all but one of them. 

The first thing on the list was one sleeve of saltines. 

What?

Almond chocolate toffee crunchies are saltines?  I distinctly remember the thought "Maybe I should just slather some nutella on a saltine and call it good" roll through my brain, but no...It's Christmas and that added to my madness desire to insert some holiday cheer in the form of sugar into my home.  However, the idea that I was supposed to concoct some kind of holiday treat out of saltines was not what I was expecting...

Regardless, I set my child labor to work laying out the saltines on a greased cookie sheet...


I was so proud of her.  I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "Hey...she cooks like me."  In particular - the evenly lined up first row of saltines that gives way quicly to a curve that says, "I do things my own way..."  and finally ending with random crackers just put wherever...and, of course, do you see the nibbles on some of the crackers?  Good thing we share cooties at my house.


Then comes the part where I really truly did have to follow the recipe closely.  Sugar + butter.  Mmmmmm 


Melt then pour...


Baking...baking...baking...baking...baking....DING!


I'm only putting this part in because I want to just mention that I was prepped for this part.  I premeasured the chocolate chips and had them ready to go...  NO...it had nothing to do with fact that I like chocolate.  But my child labor WAS paid in chocolate chips...I HAD to open the bag early.

Spread and let them melt...


Spread the melt...


Add ground hazelnut instead of almonds (This would be the part where actually making sure you had the ingredients would have been good.)


Cool...cut and eat...


I am a Almond Hazelnut Chocolate Toffee Crunchies GODDESS.